24 December 2011

TIME TO MOVE ON


Why do I feel everyone has an exciting fun-filled life, but me? Why is it I can’t find that certain someone that makes me smile? Why do I always chose the one person that is obviously wrong for me and that I know will bring me eventual heartache?

I never intended my life to be self-destructive. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t say, “Let me meet someone today that will bring me grief.” I wake up happy; I am happy . . . except when it comes to my relationships. I feel I will never meet someone that will love and honor me in the way that I deserve.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe the walls I have built around myself are too thick for anyone to break through. Maybe I have a contented soul and I don’t even realize it. I think I must accept my situation for what it is. Maybe my fate is to be alone. If I honestly ask myself, “Am I happy?” I think I can answer, with all sincerity, “Yes, I am.” I love my life. I love my clothes, my family, my friends. I love my scool. I love taking long walks alone. I love making plans for trips with people that make me smile. I love not having to answer to anyone. I love being free.

But I do miss something. Something is definitely missing.
I miss a soft touch. I miss the whispered voice in my ear of love. I miss the phone calls just asking how I am. I miss the texts saying “I miss you.” I miss the compliments. I miss the hugs. I miss the kisses and the obvious want that a person would have for me and only me. I miss the companionship and ease of a long-term relationship. When you don’t have to question if a person is right for you, you just know. When you don’t have to wonder if a person is going to be home, he just is. When you know the plans you make will be just fine with your partner because you know each other that well. I miss that.

I miss the second part of me. The part of me that’s gone and leaves in me a void, a void that hurts; an emptiness that will never be filled in the same way again. The emptiness will eventually heal and become bearable, but it will leave a scar, a reminder of what was; a reminder of what never will be again.

But I will add to myself again. I will grow in other ways. The healing will come, but it will not be to forget . . . it will be to learn from. I don’t want that part of me back. I was ready to let it go and I have. That part of me has scarred me, but in a good way. I have no regrets. I have no “what-ifs” . . . I am thankful for what we had. It was a beautiful time, but a time which has run its course. It is time for me to move on; to start over; to create new memories and new times. 

It’s time for me to meet someone new.

22 December 2011

BE CAREFUL

This is the time of year many of us find ourselves sinking in quicksand instead of standing on a solid rock. Unfortunately it has become a constant struggle for myself as well. When I comitted to do as God commanded of me, I felt myself sinking into quicksand fast and felt there was no way out.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. Psalms 69:2 KJV

It'a easy to give up and let yourself sink deeper and deeper to the point you can't climb out. Even Christian's tend to let themselves sink into quicksand. The Lord will take you out of the quicksand. He will not let you sink. He will recue you only if you let Him.

Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Psalms 69:14 KJV

God does not want you to sink into quicksand. He wants you to stand on a solid rock of faith. How soon we forget the Lord is our rock.

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalms 18:2 KJV

He is my rock and my fortress when I start to sink into the quicksand of life's woes and worries.

There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God. I Samuel 2:12 KJV

There is no other that will rescue from the quicksand but the Lord. He is the only one that can save you from a life of destruction. He is the only one that is willing to throw you a lifeline and pull you out of the pit that will swallow you alive.

Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength: Isaiah 26:4 KJV

21 December 2011

SO LONG, GOODBYE.


Good bye is one of the hardest things to say, especially to a special person, a person who has been close to you, to your heart for quite some time. Good bye? There is nothing good in it! I always say. You start thinking of the good times you had, the bad too but all in all, you are left empty, lonely with a vacuum that no one can fill and not even time can heal the wound left by the departure of this special someone. 


Days become dull, nights become darker and colder. The phone becomes useless as there is no one to call or talk to. Loneliness becomes your close friend and memories fill your head. Anything you see reminds you of this person. Any misfortune reminds you of how different it would be with this person around. You become a prisoner of your own feelings, and you tell yourself that with time, you will get over it. Hours turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours become days, days become weeks, and weeks become months and months become years.


And five years later you discover that nothing has changed. Therapy did not work, counseling did not work, and you discover that what people say is not true…time, does not heal all wounds... and you find yourself in the cycle again. So despite all this, which I know might or might not happen to me, I say good bye and hope to see you again. 

So long…Goodbye.

3 December 2011

RUN AWAY...RUN

 Running away is what most of us have been forced to be doing, day in, day out. whether it is running away from our ex, running away from God, running away from the landlord, running away from our problems.....even our shilling is running away from the dollar. We all Love to run away... i mean, who wants to be caught up in all the fuss? One thing I came to realize is that running away does not help...at all. it only gives the problem more time to gain speed and when it comes at you....larger and bigger problems arise. For quite some time I was the runner... (not an athlete, though I also do well in that area)...but I was a great runner.


 All I knew best was to run away... I took any chance in a pressurized situation to run away, no matter the consequences.In an argument, I would simply walk away and leave the other party talking, in sin, i would shut God away completely, but you know what friends, I came to know that it does not help....not a bit, and i came to know it in a painful way. Friends, let us not walk away from our problems and troubles. Learn to take the bull by its horns and face it. 


It leaves you more confident in yourself. so that is my assignment this holiday....To stop running away, turn back and run towards my problems. if you have been a runner like me, join me in the assignment. I am heading there...though I"m making baby steps.. I know eventually i will walk up-right. and so will you!!

5 September 2011

THE SMART PHONES FUSS


"This is not a phone...eh! it is a SMART phone" my brother  retorted the other day when I called his phone a "mkebe"(tin). For your information his was not a smart phone and like him, most of us boast to own something that in the end is not what we think it is... 

Most of us boast of owning a smart phone, as opposed to the less popular “mulika mwizi”. But what exactly is a smart phone? Most of what we call smart phones is actually mere cell phones with additional settings. So, what exactly is a smart phone? Is it different from a cell phone? What makes it smart?

A great technician said that a smart phone is a device that lets you make telephone calls, but also adds in features that you might find in a Personal Digital Assistant (PDA, as computer science students like to call it) or a computer, for example ability to send and receive e-mails and edit office documents.

To understand smart phones, we need to know a bit of its history. In the beginning, there existed cell phones and PDA’s. Cell phones for making calls while PDA’s were personal, potable organizers storing contacts and sync with computers. 


Then PDA’s gained wireless connectivity to send and receive e-mail and cell phones gained messaging capabilities too. PDA’s then added cellular phone features and cell phones added computer-like features.
For a phone to be classified as a smart phone, some of its features should include; 
  1. An operating system such as Blackberry OS, Palm OS, android OS, or windows mobile. 
  2. A software to edit or view office documents or edit photos.
  3. Web access; 3G data networks and Wi-Fi support to some handsets.
  4. QWERTY keyboard, meaning keys are laid out like on a computer keyboard, not alphabetically 
  5. Messaging (this one even my “mulika mwizi” has) to send and receive e-mails.
However, the technological world is constantly evolving. Your smart phone today may change by next week, next month or next year. Like I say, as long as the phone performs basic functions like receiving calls and calling, sending and receiving texts, can “okoa jahazi” and can subscribe to Safaricom’s unlimited sms, whether it’s smart or not is not an issue!

25 August 2011

ON THE CONTRARY


Cliches are cliches for a reason, we make them so. When I was young, I used to be quite the tomboy. I grew up with my elder brother and naturally, or not, I mimicked his crazy stunts, fought and played with other guys. I followed him everywhere, well…except in high school where I attended a girls only school. Spider man, Juniper Lee, Danger Mouse and Scooby Doo made up my list of favorite cartoons.


I always wore shorts and T-shirts, and loathed dressing up in frilly pink dresses, more so to attend Sunday school. I was a pro with marbles and the famous “punch” that my brother and I indulged in after school. I got thrills from climbing trees (in kikuyu, such a person is known as “wanja kihii”). I even learnt my share of dance moves and rapping skills while practicing with the guys… don’t get me wrong, I still played “cha mama-cha baba”, but I was not big on dolls.


Fast forward to now and here I am, looking forward to life as a grown-up lady, a grown-up lady so in love with a man! Now, I still have some vestiges of that small tomboy in me, and at times I act like I couldn’t care less for the gestures of romance- but don’t be fooled!!!



I want to be wooed with flowers, candles, chocolates and other sweet niceties. I want my hand to be held (even in public), and I want to be looked at with awe, as if the sun rises in my eyes alone. I want the two of us to have a song; our song. I want us to have a favorite spot; our spot. I want a pet name- “Hun” will do just fine. I also want to dance in the rain (does that ever happen?). I want many anniversaries: first kiss, first date, first everything. I want butterflies in my stomach at the thought of my man, and I want to say “I love you” too. I want a proposal that will leave me teary eyed. I want to walk down the aisle as the most beautiful woman and say those vows: “I do”.


I know… I shock myself too, that this once-tomboy in shorts and tees could become girlie and starry-eyed. For now, I wait and anticipate the future. So, on the contrary, despite my “boyish” upbringing, I look forward to it all.

23 August 2011

WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS

One, two, three, four,
My body sways to-and-fro,
Moving our bodies on the dance floor,
This I had not done before,
And my feet feel sore,
But the tune in my heart's core,
Keeps me hopping till four.


The song changes with the note,
And our song starts playing.
In my tummy there's a knot,
Unknown to you and those dancing.
Your type of dance I know not,
But on your chest I am clinging,
And I close my eyes in a second...

My physique in my arms,
Held so close by your charms,
Moving to the beat
Ignoring the cold in the heat,
And like a child awaiting a treat;
So does your heart beat,
When mine skips a beat.

As the songstress sweetly sings,
To another world we swiftly drift,
Not knowing the night will cease,
And so will the music playing,
The query lingers on;
"Will we still dance
When the music stops?"


Befado