24 December 2011


Why do I feel everyone has an exciting fun-filled life, but me? Why is it I can’t find that certain someone that makes me smile? Why do I always chose the one person that is obviously wrong for me and that I know will bring me eventual heartache?

I never intended my life to be self-destructive. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t say, “Let me meet someone today that will bring me grief.” I wake up happy; I am happy . . . except when it comes to my relationships. I feel I will never meet someone that will love and honor me in the way that I deserve.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe the walls I have built around myself are too thick for anyone to break through. Maybe I have a contented soul and I don’t even realize it. I think I must accept my situation for what it is. Maybe my fate is to be alone. If I honestly ask myself, “Am I happy?” I think I can answer, with all sincerity, “Yes, I am.” I love my life. I love my clothes, my family, my friends. I love my scool. I love taking long walks alone. I love making plans for trips with people that make me smile. I love not having to answer to anyone. I love being free.

But I do miss something. Something is definitely missing.
I miss a soft touch. I miss the whispered voice in my ear of love. I miss the phone calls just asking how I am. I miss the texts saying “I miss you.” I miss the compliments. I miss the hugs. I miss the kisses and the obvious want that a person would have for me and only me. I miss the companionship and ease of a long-term relationship. When you don’t have to question if a person is right for you, you just know. When you don’t have to wonder if a person is going to be home, he just is. When you know the plans you make will be just fine with your partner because you know each other that well. I miss that.

I miss the second part of me. The part of me that’s gone and leaves in me a void, a void that hurts; an emptiness that will never be filled in the same way again. The emptiness will eventually heal and become bearable, but it will leave a scar, a reminder of what was; a reminder of what never will be again.

But I will add to myself again. I will grow in other ways. The healing will come, but it will not be to forget . . . it will be to learn from. I don’t want that part of me back. I was ready to let it go and I have. That part of me has scarred me, but in a good way. I have no regrets. I have no “what-ifs” . . . I am thankful for what we had. It was a beautiful time, but a time which has run its course. It is time for me to move on; to start over; to create new memories and new times. 

It’s time for me to meet someone new.

22 December 2011


This is the time of year many of us find ourselves sinking in quicksand instead of standing on a solid rock. Unfortunately it has become a constant struggle for myself as well. When I comitted to do as God commanded of me, I felt myself sinking into quicksand fast and felt there was no way out.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. Psalms 69:2 KJV

It'a easy to give up and let yourself sink deeper and deeper to the point you can't climb out. Even Christian's tend to let themselves sink into quicksand. The Lord will take you out of the quicksand. He will not let you sink. He will recue you only if you let Him.

Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Psalms 69:14 KJV

God does not want you to sink into quicksand. He wants you to stand on a solid rock of faith. How soon we forget the Lord is our rock.

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalms 18:2 KJV

He is my rock and my fortress when I start to sink into the quicksand of life's woes and worries.

There is none holy as the LORD: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God. I Samuel 2:12 KJV

There is no other that will rescue from the quicksand but the Lord. He is the only one that can save you from a life of destruction. He is the only one that is willing to throw you a lifeline and pull you out of the pit that will swallow you alive.

Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength: Isaiah 26:4 KJV

21 December 2011


Good bye is one of the hardest things to say, especially to a special person, a person who has been close to you, to your heart for quite some time. Good bye? There is nothing good in it! I always say. You start thinking of the good times you had, the bad too but all in all, you are left empty, lonely with a vacuum that no one can fill and not even time can heal the wound left by the departure of this special someone. 

Days become dull, nights become darker and colder. The phone becomes useless as there is no one to call or talk to. Loneliness becomes your close friend and memories fill your head. Anything you see reminds you of this person. Any misfortune reminds you of how different it would be with this person around. You become a prisoner of your own feelings, and you tell yourself that with time, you will get over it. Hours turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours become days, days become weeks, and weeks become months and months become years.

And five years later you discover that nothing has changed. Therapy did not work, counseling did not work, and you discover that what people say is not true…time, does not heal all wounds... and you find yourself in the cycle again. So despite all this, which I know might or might not happen to me, I say good bye and hope to see you again. 

So long…Goodbye.

3 December 2011


 Running away is what most of us have been forced to be doing, day in, day out. whether it is running away from our ex, running away from God, running away from the landlord, running away from our problems.....even our shilling is running away from the dollar. We all Love to run away... i mean, who wants to be caught up in all the fuss? One thing I came to realize is that running away does not help...at all. it only gives the problem more time to gain speed and when it comes at you....larger and bigger problems arise. For quite some time I was the runner... (not an athlete, though I also do well in that area)...but I was a great runner.

 All I knew best was to run away... I took any chance in a pressurized situation to run away, no matter the consequences.In an argument, I would simply walk away and leave the other party talking, in sin, i would shut God away completely, but you know what friends, I came to know that it does not help....not a bit, and i came to know it in a painful way. Friends, let us not walk away from our problems and troubles. Learn to take the bull by its horns and face it. 

It leaves you more confident in yourself. so that is my assignment this holiday....To stop running away, turn back and run towards my problems. if you have been a runner like me, join me in the assignment. I am heading there...though I"m making baby steps.. I know eventually i will walk up-right. and so will you!!